My Never

"I had a dream that you were with me, it wasn't my fault. You rolled me over, flipped me over, like a somersault. This never happened to me, I've never been here before. I saw forever in my never, and I stood outside her heaven."
Last night, me and Ryan got into it and I said a lot of things that I shouldn't have said out loud- but all of them were true. We function on this stupid balance of never making reference to the fact that we went out. Except when he tells me he loves me, and will be here for me, etc. Last night, he told me Cory was a pussy, and an idiot for staying with me when I've cheated on him twice, and he knows it. Then he said I would never change and that's why he was glad I had left him and that he would never have his heart broken twice. He said "I shouldn't say that", and I lost it. I told him he was right, that he shouldn't have said that, and then I was brutally honest with him. I told him that Cory cared more about me than he ever would, and that I didn't believe I made the wrong decision when I left him for Cory, and then I told him how I had never felt good enough for him, and it went downhill. I ended up in tears. But I think the moral of this story is that in the end, Ryan got angry and left... and Cory picked the pieces up. And it got better because of that. Because when I'm hurt, there's only one person who can make me happy. Nobody else fixes it like Cory can. And THAT is why I am with him, That is why I am happy to be having his baby. It doesn't matter how fucked up our relationship is. Anyone who can still give me butterflies after eight months is worth something. And I love him with all my heart.