You're like a song that's in my brain, but every other lyric says my name.

Today, I don't feel like posting my feelings where everyone can see them.

I had a dream that you were with me, it wasn't my fault.

I keep having these dreams. And I can't even say what they're about. They leave me with this sense of loss.

My Never

"I had a dream that you were with me, it wasn't my fault. You rolled me over, flipped me over, like a somersault. This never happened to me, I've never been here before. I saw forever in my never, and I stood outside her heaven."
Last night, me and Ryan got into it and I said a lot of things that I shouldn't have said out loud- but all of them were true. We function on this stupid balance of never making reference to the fact that we went out. Except when he tells me he loves me, and will be here for me, etc. Last night, he told me Cory was a pussy, and an idiot for staying with me when I've cheated on him twice, and he knows it. Then he said I would never change and that's why he was glad I had left him and that he would never have his heart broken twice. He said "I shouldn't say that", and I lost it. I told him he was right, that he shouldn't have said that, and then I was brutally honest with him. I told him that Cory cared more about me than he ever would, and that I didn't believe I made the wrong decision when I left him for Cory, and then I told him how I had never felt good enough for him, and it went downhill. I ended up in tears. But I think the moral of this story is that in the end, Ryan got angry and left... and Cory picked the pieces up. And it got better because of that. Because when I'm hurt, there's only one person who can make me happy. Nobody else fixes it like Cory can. And THAT is why I am with him, That is why I am happy to be having his baby. It doesn't matter how fucked up our relationship is. Anyone who can still give me butterflies after eight months is worth something. And I love him with all my heart.

200% Baby

"It's a feeling I get, my palms are sweat, like some kind of daydream I'll never forget. I'm stuck in this spin, where does it begin? By touching the edge of her skin"
I always wish, whenever I type down lyrics to a song, that I could somehow type down the way the music sounds and feels too. Because the words are never enough- they aren't all there is to a song. Sometimes, they really mean nothing, but it's the way the song feels that gives the words meaning. I wish I could convey that.
Last night, as I was driving home from work, I got the same feeling I always do- this overwhelming pull towards Daddy's house, like I needed to tell him. Last night, I listened to it. I showed him my little Teddy Graham picture. He was okay. Although considering he got my stepmom pregnant while he was still married to my mom, I would say he had no room to say anything at all. I found out that in heaven somewhere, I have an older brother or sister. He got a girl pregnant in high school, and the girl had an abortion without even mentioning to him what she was gonna do. I can't imagine it. I can't imagine any harm coming to my little Teddy Graham. The other day, laying in bed, I imagined me and Cory being at the bridge up on the parkway after the baby was born, and him dangling it over the railing just to freak me out, and accidentally dropping it into the water some fifty feet below. I decided I would immediately jump over to save my baby. And then murder Cory once that was done. The thought just terrified me. It's soemthing my father would have done to my mom. I've decided if we ever go on a bridge, Cory is going nowhere near my baby.
It bothers him that I call it my baby sometimes. I mean, I know it's ours. I'm fully aware of that. But he's perfectly entitled to call it his baby. It's true. That's what's so cool. This baby is 100% mine, and 100% his.

*SIGH*

I'm back at home now. I slept in Fiona's bed last night, because she was sleeping somewhere else and it looked more appealing than my cot. To be honest, most anywhere does. I don't know what I'm going to eat for breakfast. I wish I'd brought my frozen waffles home. I'm sleepy. I got woken up this morning by Bitty crying, and then Fiona coming in to open the curtains and sing bad opera about it being morning. So I pulled a pillow over my head and attempted to get back to sleep, although it wasn't easy with Fiona continuing her show in the living room.
I had a dream last night. In it, I met Cory's dad. This isn't the first dream I've had about him. I wonder why I keep having dreams about this man who passed away when Cory was seven. In my dreams, he's alive and well. Maybe it's my subconscious worries about Cory as a father. I want to see a picture of him. Maybe God is trying to tell me my baby is a boy, as we plan to name the baby Elton if it is, after his father. I don't know. Maybe I really just wish Elton were around, someone Cory trusted to guide him in this. I love him, but I'm terrified about how he's going to be once the baby comes. In the past, he has shown a tendency to shove anything and everything aside for what he wants and I wonder if this is what he will be like with our baby. I just pray and pray he realizes how he's acting before it's too late. I don't want another father like mine for my baby. That's what I'm most scared of. That Cory will be just like my dad- always with good intentions, but never being there quite when he was needed.

Frozen Waffles.

Blueberry frozen waffles to be precise- the Walmart off brand, with Country Crock butter (calcium and Vitamin D fortified) and Tropicana Orange Juice, also fortified with calcium and vitamin D. No pulp though. I love pulp, but recently the sensation has begun to make the orange juice harder to drink. Also on the waffles- Syrup. Just straight up off brand whatever syrup. I don't really like the taste of real maple syrup. People think I'm crazy for that. But whatever.
I've been trying to get my stuff fortified because I don't drink milk.
This baby is gonna be a girl. I just know it. Cory wants a boy- a son, firstborn, named after his dad- Elton Ticatto Staton. But I want a girl, if only because I know girls better. I think a girl would be better for Cory anyways. But it doesn't matter. We've got a lot of time before we even can find that out. It's only been nine weeks, and I'm already tired of waiting. I want to HAVE this baby. Not because I'm not enjoying being pregnant, but just because I can't wait to hold it.
I guess patience is a virtue. It feels like a pain in the ass to me.

Ultrasound

Today I had my first ultrasound and found out I'm nine weeks along. I got to see the baby!!! It's teeny teeny tiny. It looks like a little alien, with a huge head, but it was adorable. When I laughed, it moved around- a little spastic child just like it's daddy. It had tiny little stubby arms and legs, but it was waving them around like you wouldn't believe! I'm just so excited. The look on Cory's face was priceless. He said when he went back out to the waiting room, he cried. He just kept saying to me "That's my kid!". Maybe things will turn out okay after all. I can only wait and see.